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This all interests me so much because it's message on
top of message.. as my consciousness rebuilds itself as i'm coming off
the high, all my layers interpret the previous image in their own ways
and you get that 'ohhh so that's what they meant' feeling, over and over
again. if i shot a movie; this is the way i would want it to be directed
- having the most carnal, emotional, and action-filled sequences first,
and then later on as i'm on my way up, have my mind put different forms
on it, each more 'civilized' than the last. truthfullness comes last, as
it's just before the surface when most everything can be summed up while
still unburdened by the haziness i exhibit when i'm in real life.
it told me that you could imagine it like a bucket full of wet sand with a bunch of air-filled balloons put in. These balloons are things my conscious self has put in down there - shields to protect me from change. if one thought were to penetrate down far enough and 'pop' one of these, imagine the course the sand would take.. it would cave in, quickly replacing the lost air. eventually, things would level off and the overall shit level would be lower. As i saw myself coming off the trip last night, i saw it in a way like this: there's a 45 degree inclined slope on all four walls, so what you have is a very small space at the bottom, and larger and larger area as you go up. sorta like an inverted pyramid. anyhow, these represent all little niches of my consciousness. i rode up the side slope of the wall with some sort of janitor, and i was allowed to peek into some rooms. of course, as i symbolically took a peek in each room, i would live that facet of my consciousness for a brief time. two examples of this i can remember well are: 1. in the night as i was laying in bed, i could swear i'd seen one of my friends sitting in a chair in front of me. the lights were off and i couldn't make out his form too well, but the way the objects appeared made it hint of a presence. also, the music i was listening to at the time was pretty spooky and it had the kind of resonance that made you think someone was really in the room playing the music. anyhow, of course my friend was not really there. however, it was the same kind of misreprestntation i used to have as i was growing up.. thinking the way the clothes hung on the closet door looked like some sort of monster i had to hide from. i don't think like that anymore, since i'm older and becoming a man, so that part of my consciousness had already been tucked away in its own little ares of my mind. imagine it like seeing the 45 degree sloped wall and having shingles as its textture - open up a shingle and see all the bugs and stuff living up under it. 2. some robots with long arms and tentacles - sort of like the imperial droid on hoth - were dancing around. the provider said to them 'hey wanna know what? xxxxx is actually xxxxxx'. i can't remember for the life of me what he'd said now (it's not meant for me to know), but the relevance it had to these creatures was immense.. a new channel was opened up in my mind, and they were free to fly through it and explore. this was really kewl, since it really felt like the feeling you get when you put the last peice of a puzzle into it, or the feeling you get when you just solved a mystery that's been bugging the hell out of you. i can distinctly remember the room they were all in turning bright red as a result of this discovery. like all things, my haze soon rose to conceal the little adventure, so i quickly scrambled to try and preserve in my memory what i could about exactly what xxxx and xxxxx were that connected so well and let me think this way. unfortunately, all i could see by now was the fog from a bird's eye view enveloping the creatures' heads. in a puff of red haze, the flap was closed, and the moment was lost forever among the millions of likewise lost thoughts. god! i almost forgot this part. it's kewl. the reason your thoughts and your perception get crossed and mixed up and all when you're stoned is that it all comes down to an approximate level. let's say you hear a sound. that tone is perceived on many variables in your brain. frequency being one of them, loudness, etc. all these things define the sound and give it relevance so it can be interpreted properly in your mind. anyhow, one of these variables is the sort of mental acuity it has. stuff you 'hear' in your mind is the exact same as what you hear out loud, only on a much higher wavelength of this variable than normal sound. sort of like hearing a real high piano note and comparing it to a real low piano note, the only difference of course the fact that frequency and pitch aren't the variables here. i sort of imagined it like the sound as a visual thing, where in normal external sounds they're perceived as big messy things, while inside the brain they're short, quiet, and accurate little chunks of information. back to my original point, when you're stoned, the tolerance for these wavelengths gets thrown off. the interpretation for an internal mental sound might seem like it's coming from an external source, or vice versa. last night i can remember that i was listening to some ambient by FSOL where it sounded like very deep heavy breathing, almost like the sound that's produced when a peice of paper is rolled up and breathed through heavily. i thought the sound was inside my head - in fact i thought my mind was producing the sound for me. on my way up, i could see all the little parts of myself being represented
as constructs or even people sometimes. i could see the many artistic parts
of me try to grab me and pull me in, so i could use them better. The drawer
was expecially nasty, as i could remember. he told me to draw this and
that, and as i kind of backed away, i could see the entire front face of
his house become an actual face (yellow cartoonish) yelling at me, leaving
me with a sense of remorse that all these things are down in the gutter,
never to be used or developed. but by that time, i had ascended and his
image was still as a dead body in a cold lake.. frozen by time.
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